I really love your writing today.... At least for 20 years I have determined that God gave me almost every other day grocery shopping as my "holy ground..." From the time I exit my car and walk through the lot my eyes and body language try to say I care.... I'm always looking for the best deals and freshest veggies... But my heart is always shopping for a moment to love.... Way to go Betsy.... You are now an official grocery disciple...
"Holy ground..." I'd say the grocery store is an unlikely place to look for holiness, but then I'm reminded how holiness works. I love--so much!--your idea of shopping for a moment to love. I can't think of any better way to appeal to our sense of routine and necessity. Brilliant! Thanks so much, Barry. Glad to have an official title at last.
A wave, a smile, a greeting, a compliment, or small talk are all ways we say to each other. These seemingly small interactions are important because they build trust and community.
I’ve lived in countries, especially former Soviet countries, where people avert their eyes and rarely engage in small talk. In rural areas it’s better, but people who lived in fear from retribution learned it’s safer to trust no one.
What an important perspective to add to this discussion, Switter, especially now. It would not have occurred to me to imagine a life in which small talk was too dangerous to pursue. Aren't we fortunate, then, to have it at our disposal alll the time!?
More fortunate than maybe we understand and appreciate. Free speech freely engaged in is a safety valve. Small talk and camaraderie are more important for civil society than many of us realize.
😃🤗 I’m a country girl in Australia. I chat to (or smile at) everyone! These tiny connections are SO important. They’re like little ripples of happiness spreading through a community. I volunteer in a nearby city too and I receive so many wonderful comments. Life is good when you’re a source of positivity. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes. (Take care dear Americans.)
Ooh, there are so many nuggets of wisdom showing up in the comments today. "Life is good when you're a source of positivity." Big yes! Thank you for your wishes and caregiving for all of us here, Beth. Means everything.
That's exactly it, Janet! We can't let this world convince us that a smile is unwelcome, anytime, ever. Thank you so much. I'm really glad you stopped in.
I love this. Making the micro more beautiful certainly can enhance the macro. I do a lot of sociological work on the airplane...I say hello to every other person, or sometimes just the women or I mix up my comments. People love it when you tell them you like their shirt, their book, their tattoo. Growing up in Seattle there was often a "keep it to yourself" vibe attributed to the Scandinavian culture. When my mother visited me in Nashville she asked "Why does everyone tell you their life story?" Southern folks are much more likely to chat you up in the grocery store.
Eileen! (!!!) The idea of you doing your own kinds of research on the plane is both delightful and fascinating. I can't imagine a better place to test out different theories: a captive audience in varying states of stress 😅. I'm guessing the outcomes of your experiments have been pretty profound at times.
You're right, it's more challenging to put small talk into practice in some places. I spent three years living on Long Island, where I got some unappreciative looks from my Southern chattiness. Maybe compliments are the universal door-opener.
Thanks for adding to this conversation, Eileen. Hope you are feeling better and better!
My husband and I once visited a boutique in South Carolina called Sister’s. Everyone was a sister to the owner. We didn’t talk religion or politics, but everything else was on the table of conversational abundance. We barely got out of there.
There are so many things I want to respond to in this, I've gone and drafted my own post and referenced yours! You've made me think of many things, but especially what happened during our Covid shutdowns. I'm an introvert, and initially I felt some kinds of great relief in being sent home. But when things began to re-open, I realized how much I'd missed being in public places with other humans. I don't necessarily want to talk with them, but I like to be near them. To exchange eye contact. To share space. To smile at each other. I appreciate you articulating so beautifully why these things matter.
Well, gosh, Rita. If this isn't affirming I don't know what is. Thank you for being someone who loves to think through things like this! Switter's comments here today offer another lens on a similar theme: We take for granted our ability to be in casual, comfortable connection with other humans. When that disappears, it upends society as we know it. "You don't know what you've got til it's gone.." I love that you were able to see that awareness develop in yourself. Thanks for sharing your experience here.
I love your musings and your vignettes, Elizabeth. This one is just stellar. (Spanish: estelar)
If it weren't for those serendipitous encounters I don't know where we all would be. We need them to feed our humanity. I wonder about people who don't recognize what those encounters can do for their souls. I almost feel sorry for them.
Oh, the micro-Spanish lesson! How great, Mona! Thank you.
As you infer, I think many people shut off the potential gains from these moments because they've been taught that life needs to be transactional. Our "What's in it for me?"culture overlooks the subtleties of human connection and the benefits of opening ourselves to positivity. I think that's what we're experiencing when we travel to places that make us feel like we've landed in a whole new world--that sense of belonging and openness is part of the way humans in that place are behaving.
I'll even go one step further and say that I think our attitudes affect how we experience all living beings. That energy exchange is vital and sets the tone for how we show up even when the "conversation" isn't with another human.
Repetition becomes a chorus in your words as they make my heart sing with the glances that it recognizes you and you have not only acknowledged hearts, but our ongoing yearning to connect, A SINGLE MOMENT= Fresh Uplift
A chorus! I'm so drawn to music, Jill, so that's a wonderful analogy for me. Thank you. While I don't get the impression most folks in positions of power (political or otherwise) are aware of that yearn to connect, let alone inclined to look for ways to foster it, I imagine we might see a shift in that direction when/if we had more women in those roles.
I love that you wrote an entire essay reminding us to make eye contact and smile at strangers! Bravo! This message needs to be shouted from the rooftops because some days it feels like it’s all we have. Thank you for offering this thread that each of us can grasp and, in doing so, make a difference.
I love that you love that, Donna. Sometimes the simplest subjects are the hardest to convey, possibly because we are so apt to take them for granted. I agree that some days this feels like all we have. But at least we still have this, right?
So appreciate you sharing your perspective today, my friend.
Lee (my partner) is decidedly introverted, but whenever we go shopping, he never fails to ask the person ringing us up “How’s your day going?”. Every now and then, the person doesn’t bite, but more often than not they open up, lighten up, smile more, and respond so genuinely I’ve started making a habit of doing it even when he’s not with me. It’s the little things!
And this is why the world needs more Lees! ☺️ What a great model to follow. Maybe you'll come back as a guest writer here some day to describe how that social experiment has worked out for you. Loved learning this about the two of you today!
The Spanish phrase you decided to learn was interesting -- and then to not use it. I would think it's much easier (and acceptable) (for a stranger) to say "nice shirt" or "nice hat" than "nice smile"! But I like that you thought through a line, learned it, and now carry it with you.
Ha -- grocerying (yes, I did just make that a verb) was completed in record time, Amy. That said, I rarely do anything quickly. You're spot on that I could have chosen a less intimate expression to learn. I think I sort of knew it would take an exceptional moment to whip that one out, but I hoped that just thinking it might encourage me to notice whether or not someone had a nice smile. As you say, carrying it with us is part of the process.
Thanks, Holly. I imagine you've witnessed that kind of lighting up more often than some of us, given your nomadic tendencies. From what I can gather by reading your work and others', coupled with some of my own experiences, the likelihood of openness to strangers is greater when you're settling into a campground. What do you think it is driving that, exactly? An awareness that there are fewer false securities? That you're all already shifting the paradigm just by nature of what you're doing?
I just read yesterday's Chicken Scratch and loved it so much. I try to make eye contact with people I see out in the community (probably a hold over from working with Deaf and Hard of Hearing people) and offer a smile, say hello, and/or compliment them on something. Sometimes it feels weird but as I get older (and become more invisible) I feel more emboldened. I want to make that connection to feel less isolated and if it makes someone feel less isolated too or better in some way.....yay!!!
Love this, Susanne, and thank you so much for chiming in. The win-win part of these opportunities is key. We support our own well being by supporting someone else's, and with little more invested than getting past our embarrassment. I know it's easier said than done in some locations, and given certain emotional limitations, which I why I tried to introduce the idea of just THINKING the same thoughts, even if you can't say them. Knowing how you show up in the world, I'm not surprised you're taking this on. And maybe this is one of the [many] beautiful things about getting older? :)
I'm beginning my day reading your post instead of The Post, my eyes welling up as I drink my coffee. How do you do it?
The social investment of a smile. Your ideas here answer that deep question many of us are carrying these days: "What can I DO?? I need to do something!!" In this way your post gives reassurance, a sense of mission. A pebble in all our pockets, I could say.
You have a brilliant presence on the page, and in the world, E.
Scientists have discovered a set of neurons we all have whose only job, apparently, is to look for smiles on others' faces. They are part of a class of cells known as "mirror neurons."
This youtube video is like 14 years old, but I used to show it in my workshops on communication skills. Robert Krulwich on the science of empathy. It's like 15 minutes long. But it's Robert Krulwich!
Stew, you often offer a new resource or an expansion on a less developed theme, and I so appreciate that. In this case, you did both: The paid and volunteer work I do is driven by a desire to "make a difference." Claiming agency in the midst of so much powerlessness is critical for me, and it's easy to discount the small, daily contributions we can make when the results aren't measurable. Thanks for lifting that up.
The little things of acknowledgement carry so much weight/power. It is a form of solidarity and resistance. Thank you for reminding us to open what binds us.
Good to see you here, Sandy, and thanks for "getting it." Before and since writing this, I thought about how transformational the practice could be if everyone was doing it. And, as I said somewhere in another comment, not even necessarily *speaking* the thoughts, but just actively thinking them. Aspirational, I know, but wow! What a difference it could make!
What a stellar thought you've shared. I too will borrow your phrase, and hopefully will find the nerve to say it out loud. Thank you for blessing us today!
Thanks, Sandra. In another comment, my friend, Amy Cowen, offered that telling someone they have a nice smile might actually be harder, between strangers, than saying "nice blouse," or "nice hat." I think that's a valid observation. The point is to act on whatever feels most natural to us. I love that you'll be trying to do that!
I really love your writing today.... At least for 20 years I have determined that God gave me almost every other day grocery shopping as my "holy ground..." From the time I exit my car and walk through the lot my eyes and body language try to say I care.... I'm always looking for the best deals and freshest veggies... But my heart is always shopping for a moment to love.... Way to go Betsy.... You are now an official grocery disciple...
"Holy ground..." I'd say the grocery store is an unlikely place to look for holiness, but then I'm reminded how holiness works. I love--so much!--your idea of shopping for a moment to love. I can't think of any better way to appeal to our sense of routine and necessity. Brilliant! Thanks so much, Barry. Glad to have an official title at last.
Elizabeth, you hit the nail on the head.
A wave, a smile, a greeting, a compliment, or small talk are all ways we say to each other. These seemingly small interactions are important because they build trust and community.
I’ve lived in countries, especially former Soviet countries, where people avert their eyes and rarely engage in small talk. In rural areas it’s better, but people who lived in fear from retribution learned it’s safer to trust no one.
What an important perspective to add to this discussion, Switter, especially now. It would not have occurred to me to imagine a life in which small talk was too dangerous to pursue. Aren't we fortunate, then, to have it at our disposal alll the time!?
More fortunate than maybe we understand and appreciate. Free speech freely engaged in is a safety valve. Small talk and camaraderie are more important for civil society than many of us realize.
So easy to take for granted. Thanks for the reminder, Switter.
😃🤗 I’m a country girl in Australia. I chat to (or smile at) everyone! These tiny connections are SO important. They’re like little ripples of happiness spreading through a community. I volunteer in a nearby city too and I receive so many wonderful comments. Life is good when you’re a source of positivity. Sending heaps of hugs and best wishes. (Take care dear Americans.)
Ooh, there are so many nuggets of wisdom showing up in the comments today. "Life is good when you're a source of positivity." Big yes! Thank you for your wishes and caregiving for all of us here, Beth. Means everything.
Every small gesture expands our world. Thank you for this affirmation when, at times, even a smile feels like it might be intrusive!
That's exactly it, Janet! We can't let this world convince us that a smile is unwelcome, anytime, ever. Thank you so much. I'm really glad you stopped in.
I love this. Making the micro more beautiful certainly can enhance the macro. I do a lot of sociological work on the airplane...I say hello to every other person, or sometimes just the women or I mix up my comments. People love it when you tell them you like their shirt, their book, their tattoo. Growing up in Seattle there was often a "keep it to yourself" vibe attributed to the Scandinavian culture. When my mother visited me in Nashville she asked "Why does everyone tell you their life story?" Southern folks are much more likely to chat you up in the grocery store.
Eileen! (!!!) The idea of you doing your own kinds of research on the plane is both delightful and fascinating. I can't imagine a better place to test out different theories: a captive audience in varying states of stress 😅. I'm guessing the outcomes of your experiments have been pretty profound at times.
You're right, it's more challenging to put small talk into practice in some places. I spent three years living on Long Island, where I got some unappreciative looks from my Southern chattiness. Maybe compliments are the universal door-opener.
Thanks for adding to this conversation, Eileen. Hope you are feeling better and better!
My husband and I once visited a boutique in South Carolina called Sister’s. Everyone was a sister to the owner. We didn’t talk religion or politics, but everything else was on the table of conversational abundance. We barely got out of there.
There are so many things I want to respond to in this, I've gone and drafted my own post and referenced yours! You've made me think of many things, but especially what happened during our Covid shutdowns. I'm an introvert, and initially I felt some kinds of great relief in being sent home. But when things began to re-open, I realized how much I'd missed being in public places with other humans. I don't necessarily want to talk with them, but I like to be near them. To exchange eye contact. To share space. To smile at each other. I appreciate you articulating so beautifully why these things matter.
Well, gosh, Rita. If this isn't affirming I don't know what is. Thank you for being someone who loves to think through things like this! Switter's comments here today offer another lens on a similar theme: We take for granted our ability to be in casual, comfortable connection with other humans. When that disappears, it upends society as we know it. "You don't know what you've got til it's gone.." I love that you were able to see that awareness develop in yourself. Thanks for sharing your experience here.
I love your musings and your vignettes, Elizabeth. This one is just stellar. (Spanish: estelar)
If it weren't for those serendipitous encounters I don't know where we all would be. We need them to feed our humanity. I wonder about people who don't recognize what those encounters can do for their souls. I almost feel sorry for them.
Oh, the micro-Spanish lesson! How great, Mona! Thank you.
As you infer, I think many people shut off the potential gains from these moments because they've been taught that life needs to be transactional. Our "What's in it for me?"culture overlooks the subtleties of human connection and the benefits of opening ourselves to positivity. I think that's what we're experiencing when we travel to places that make us feel like we've landed in a whole new world--that sense of belonging and openness is part of the way humans in that place are behaving.
I'll even go one step further and say that I think our attitudes affect how we experience all living beings. That energy exchange is vital and sets the tone for how we show up even when the "conversation" isn't with another human.
Repetition becomes a chorus in your words as they make my heart sing with the glances that it recognizes you and you have not only acknowledged hearts, but our ongoing yearning to connect, A SINGLE MOMENT= Fresh Uplift
A chorus! I'm so drawn to music, Jill, so that's a wonderful analogy for me. Thank you. While I don't get the impression most folks in positions of power (political or otherwise) are aware of that yearn to connect, let alone inclined to look for ways to foster it, I imagine we might see a shift in that direction when/if we had more women in those roles.
Your imagination shines❣️
I love that you wrote an entire essay reminding us to make eye contact and smile at strangers! Bravo! This message needs to be shouted from the rooftops because some days it feels like it’s all we have. Thank you for offering this thread that each of us can grasp and, in doing so, make a difference.
I love that you love that, Donna. Sometimes the simplest subjects are the hardest to convey, possibly because we are so apt to take them for granted. I agree that some days this feels like all we have. But at least we still have this, right?
So appreciate you sharing your perspective today, my friend.
Lee (my partner) is decidedly introverted, but whenever we go shopping, he never fails to ask the person ringing us up “How’s your day going?”. Every now and then, the person doesn’t bite, but more often than not they open up, lighten up, smile more, and respond so genuinely I’ve started making a habit of doing it even when he’s not with me. It’s the little things!
And this is why the world needs more Lees! ☺️ What a great model to follow. Maybe you'll come back as a guest writer here some day to describe how that social experiment has worked out for you. Loved learning this about the two of you today!
I hope you managed to get your groceries.
The Spanish phrase you decided to learn was interesting -- and then to not use it. I would think it's much easier (and acceptable) (for a stranger) to say "nice shirt" or "nice hat" than "nice smile"! But I like that you thought through a line, learned it, and now carry it with you.
Ha -- grocerying (yes, I did just make that a verb) was completed in record time, Amy. That said, I rarely do anything quickly. You're spot on that I could have chosen a less intimate expression to learn. I think I sort of knew it would take an exceptional moment to whip that one out, but I hoped that just thinking it might encourage me to notice whether or not someone had a nice smile. As you say, carrying it with us is part of the process.
Meanwhile: Bonita camisa! Bonito sombrero! 😅
Thanks for your input, Amy. Truly appreciated.
Beautiful, Elizabeth.
It is so wonderful to see someone light up because of your interaction. Such a vital and necessary exchange.
Love this post.
Thanks, Holly. I imagine you've witnessed that kind of lighting up more often than some of us, given your nomadic tendencies. From what I can gather by reading your work and others', coupled with some of my own experiences, the likelihood of openness to strangers is greater when you're settling into a campground. What do you think it is driving that, exactly? An awareness that there are fewer false securities? That you're all already shifting the paradigm just by nature of what you're doing?
Love having you in the conversation!
I just read yesterday's Chicken Scratch and loved it so much. I try to make eye contact with people I see out in the community (probably a hold over from working with Deaf and Hard of Hearing people) and offer a smile, say hello, and/or compliment them on something. Sometimes it feels weird but as I get older (and become more invisible) I feel more emboldened. I want to make that connection to feel less isolated and if it makes someone feel less isolated too or better in some way.....yay!!!
Love this, Susanne, and thank you so much for chiming in. The win-win part of these opportunities is key. We support our own well being by supporting someone else's, and with little more invested than getting past our embarrassment. I know it's easier said than done in some locations, and given certain emotional limitations, which I why I tried to introduce the idea of just THINKING the same thoughts, even if you can't say them. Knowing how you show up in the world, I'm not surprised you're taking this on. And maybe this is one of the [many] beautiful things about getting older? :)
I'm beginning my day reading your post instead of The Post, my eyes welling up as I drink my coffee. How do you do it?
The social investment of a smile. Your ideas here answer that deep question many of us are carrying these days: "What can I DO?? I need to do something!!" In this way your post gives reassurance, a sense of mission. A pebble in all our pockets, I could say.
You have a brilliant presence on the page, and in the world, E.
Scientists have discovered a set of neurons we all have whose only job, apparently, is to look for smiles on others' faces. They are part of a class of cells known as "mirror neurons."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzMqPYfeA-s
This youtube video is like 14 years old, but I used to show it in my workshops on communication skills. Robert Krulwich on the science of empathy. It's like 15 minutes long. But it's Robert Krulwich!
Stew, you often offer a new resource or an expansion on a less developed theme, and I so appreciate that. In this case, you did both: The paid and volunteer work I do is driven by a desire to "make a difference." Claiming agency in the midst of so much powerlessness is critical for me, and it's easy to discount the small, daily contributions we can make when the results aren't measurable. Thanks for lifting that up.
I can't wait to watch the video!
Often that which matters most can’t be quantified. We need to be reminded of the impact, which you do so beautifully in your post.
The youtube video is in two parts, so you might have to search for Part II.
The little things of acknowledgement carry so much weight/power. It is a form of solidarity and resistance. Thank you for reminding us to open what binds us.
Good to see you here, Sandy, and thanks for "getting it." Before and since writing this, I thought about how transformational the practice could be if everyone was doing it. And, as I said somewhere in another comment, not even necessarily *speaking* the thoughts, but just actively thinking them. Aspirational, I know, but wow! What a difference it could make!
What a stellar thought you've shared. I too will borrow your phrase, and hopefully will find the nerve to say it out loud. Thank you for blessing us today!
Thanks, Sandra. In another comment, my friend, Amy Cowen, offered that telling someone they have a nice smile might actually be harder, between strangers, than saying "nice blouse," or "nice hat." I think that's a valid observation. The point is to act on whatever feels most natural to us. I love that you'll be trying to do that!
As long as you say something positive, I see it as a good thing. We all need connection.