Wait, wait, let me 'splain!

I need to get some things off my chest.

This story begins with a gathering of roughly 30 adults, in a range of ages, races, and genders, who have come together with a common interest. There are two speakers, one man and one woman, offering insights to an engaged group. The discussion is alive with audience participation.

A few minutes into the session, it becomes evident that several individuals are making more remarks than others. Their frequent comments, along with their tone, add a quality of rudeness to what they have to say. Of the two speakers, they interrupt and challenge the woman more often. Some folks work to refocus the conversation, but there is never an explicit request for the ongoing, disrespectful commentary to stop. By the end of the experience, people are agitated, chatting in low voices amongst themselves and returning home to rehash the negativity with friends and partners.

We were poisoned. Everyone in attendance was exposed to an uncontrolled spray of gang mansplaining. Yes, the perpetrators were male, all five or six of them. And yes, as originally conceived, that newish portmanteau is apt for describing the way those men behaved.

What is the deal with the irritating and harmful tendency for men to speak condescendingly to women? Not all men, certainly, but a noticeable percentage. I’d bet my bottom dollar that every woman reading this has been on the receiving end of many such demonstrations.

Every time it happens, I’m caught a little off guard and find myself wishing I were better prepared. Ultimately, that’s what this bit of spleen venting is about.

Let’s begin with the word itself. The term “mansplain” was coined on the internet in 2008 and added to the Oxford Dictionary a decade later, where it is defined as follows:

Mansplain: verb - transitive. Of a man: to explain (something) needlessly, overbearingly, or condescendingly, esp. (typically when addressing a woman) in a manner thought to reveal a patronizing or chauvinistic attitude.

Writer and activist, Rebecca Solnit, gave voice to the problem and probably inspired the term itself with her essay, “Men Explain Things to Me.” She revisits the topic in a more recent opinion piece that ran in the Guardian last February. In both, she drives home the sad truth of what took place during that workshop and what countless women have experienced since the patriarchy kicked into gear, more or less with the invention of agriculture.

Grant Wood - American Gothic (1930), public domain

The potential outcomes from that kind of unchecked condescension, as Solnit details in her 2023 essay, are pernicious. Women learn to doubt their own competence. They determine that their opinions don’t matter. Following a spate of mansplaining, many women tend to speak less, to go silent, or question their own credibility. I can personally attest to of all of that.

On the other side of the same coin is the precedent for women’s testimonies to be discredited, or their needs discounted.

Gals, raise your hands if you’ve had the demoralizing experience of being told by a medical provider that, despite persistent symptoms, there is nothing wrong with you.

Raise your hands if you’ve been talked over at work or had your own ideas hijacked by a male colleague.

Raise your hands if someone ever tried to convince you, or you wondered yourself, if an unwanted sexual advance, or assault, was your fault.

Whether overtly or subliminally, every time a jerk with a bloated sense of self edges a woman out of a conversation, or suggests with his actions that she can be treated like a child, gender inequalities are reinforced.

based-joker99

Aside from the boorish behaviors themselves, and the associated undermining of a smart, strong, capable woman, what bothers me most about the mansplaining convention I just experienced was that no one stepped in. Several of us in leadership roles should have called the men out, but we were held up by our own feelings of uncertainty. Was it our place? Were we overreacting? Would we come off as bossy?

Others could also have intervened, including some of the men who were behaving respectfully. But we all let it persist.

We need to empower each other! We need to equip ourselves not just with permission to speak but also with the tools to do so.

As a starting point, it’s worth the time to establish and share meeting guidelines, or norms, when possible. The mansplainers, and those in their midst, will benefit from having points of reference. Aim for basic tenets like:

• Speak and listen respectfully

• Make space for others

• Be conscious of assumptions

• Expect good intentions

That last bullet is a springboard to another approach, one which I have a lot of room to improve. While there are undoubtedly some full-fledged jackasses operating in the world, I believe much of the misconduct is inadvertent. Some guys really don’t get it.

A recent Michigan State study showed that women in such circumstances “tended to register that their competence was being questioned more than men did, and to attribute this to a gender bias.” Rather than taking it as a personal affront, men just figured the ‘splainer was being rude. Mars and Venus, folks. It’s real.

Philbrook Museum of Art

I’m not excusing the behavior, but I am suggesting that by training ourselves away from an emotional response, we might learn to react less defensively, and therefore more readily.

About readiness: I know I’m not great at coming up with the right responses on the fly, so I’ve begun working on some scripted lines. Though every situation will be different, building a basic foundation feels like a smart start. It will take practice, and I’m hoping to get more of that in the mirror than at meetings, but I’m sure I’ve not seen the last of such situations. To that end, I’m trying these on for size:

• Your comment is noted, and I’m happy to explain why I made a different choice.

• I hear you [again]. And I’d like to hear from some of the folks here who haven’t had the chance to speak yet.

• Were you looking for clarification about something in particular? If not, I’ll continue with what I was saying.

• If you’d like to continue this line of discussion, let’s do it by email so we can keep the flow going here.

• Did I misunderstand you, or was there a question that relates to the rest of the group?

• Does being irritating take work, or does it come naturally for you?

Oh, sorry. I don’t know what came over me there.

Actually, that’s not true. I know exactly what came over me. I’m worn out by rudeness. I’m astonished, again and again, that there are dunderheads (of both genders) who make life harder than it already is by being simultaneously narrow-minded and long-winded. We have way too much mansplaining. We have way too much straightsplaining, whitesplaining, womansplaining, richsplaining, and every other form of -splaining.

I want there to be less obstinance and less greed, more cooperation and more generosity. I want us to find ways to resuscitate civil discourse among those whose heart for benevolence has stopped beating.

I know the best way to make a difference is through my own efforts, and I’ll keep at it. I promise, I will. But some days, man, it’s all uphill.

~Elizabeth