It seems it’s a good idea to start with our commonalities. I like the idea of finding out about the backstory. We’re all where we are for a reason. Thanks, Elizabeth.
Thank you, Suzanne. I realize all of this is easier "said" than done. But I maintain that even the act of acknowledging that another person lights up your day, no matter how briefly, that any simple showing of respect, can help bridge the divides between us. Today, I saw a woman wearing the brightest blue fuzzy slippers. I missed the chance to tell her how they caught my eye. I wish I hadn't.
There was nothing like being a teacher to teach me the truth of what you explain so well here. To be effective in my work, I had to presume good intent. I didn't start out that way, and I had plenty of colleagues who believed terrible things about some students and reinforced my initial beliefs, but I came to know this: "Everyone longs to be heard. Everyone wants to be respected." I'll add: Everyone cares. They might not care about what you care about, but also: what they care about might not be what you think it is. That's why it's so important to do what you say here: Start from a place of curiosity. "Tell me more..." are such powerful words. I sure wish we'd stop thinking (especially in political realms) that changing one's mind is a sign of weakness. To me, it's a sign that someone is learning and growing and evolving.
Oh, Rita, yes. Everyone cares. Thank you for adding that! What we care about is what we value, and it's there we are most likely to find our common ground. I love the simple opener you offer: "Tell me more." I also like "I hear you, and..."
I'm sure you could tell some rich stories from your days as a teacher and librarian. Wow!
Beautifully structured essay, in the spirit of EB White and Epictetus. Well done. My turning point was reading How Minds Change. Facts don’t change minds, but asking questions about how someone got to the opinion that they hold so dear - and doing this from the viewpoint of genuine curiosity - might encourage enough self-reflection to rock someone gently off the sandbar they’ve run aground on. A curiosity mindset might be humanity’s next penicillin. I’ve used too many metaphors here, but thanks for helping spread the word. Like the way the milkweed sends its tiny… oh, sorry. I’ll stop.
Thank you, Stewart. I'll look for McRaney's book (not finding it on my library apps, unfortunately), and I'm also likely to read Theise's book: Notes on Complexity: A Scientific Theory of Connection, Consciousness, and Being. Recently, I listed to this On Being episode which excites the non-profit, farmer-focused collaborator in me to no end. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/janine-benyus-and-azita-ardakani-walton-on-natures/id150892556?i=1000658081068 We have so much to learn, and so much untapped potential when it comes to building relationships.
For what it's worth, I loved your metaphors. There's a solid chance we share use of them in common!
This articulates beautifully so much of what I've been feeling lately. I wonder about it more and more, as divisiveness seems only to be increasing. I fully believe that separateness is an illusion, and am trying to learn to stay open, and notice more when I'm not. What you say about finding shared values is so important. Anyway, I'm grateful for this piece. Thanks for writing it.
In my experience, there is almost always some small piece of common ground, but this is not a typical approach and, therefore, can be difficult to maintain. As you say, divisiveness seems to be increasing, making it that much harder to hold nuanced discussions. It takes courage and patience. I appreciate that you see the value in these ideas, Rob, and thanks for taking the time to comment.
Elizabeth, I loved this piece as well as your reading. I’m one of those weird lifelong learners who loves listening to people younger and older than I am. I think your organization leading the reader through your learning is so well-done.
If lifelong learning is weird, I don't want to be normal! I so appreciate your reflections and am delighted to know that the path of the piece worked for you. I am sometimes unsure if my meanderings leave people wondering where they took the wrong turn! Thanks for being here, for reading, listening, and commenting. Welcome to Chicken Scratch!
Brilliant, Elizabeth. I love everything about this piece.
I have these two truths that live inside me that I think this essay speaks to. One, I want to be someone who understands from every fiber of my being the truth that you painted so beautifully— a point of view is not a whole person. Two, I find myself wanting desperately to change minds when I come up against points of view that I don’t think really represent the holders’ truth and that I see harming others. I know the latter part is an immature part of me, one that thinks I know better and is immature because of how fruitless standing on that belief truly is. Thank you for speaking to the importance of connection and nuance.
For me, there is a constant, and I think natural, tension between wanting to understand and wanting to be understood. It's hard when empathy is met with disdain, or when, as you note, beliefs lead to actions that hurt others. I just have to keep coming back to what I want to see replicated in the world. I'm far from a perfect example, but I keep trying. That's really all we can do, right? Thank you, Holly, for being part of the community here, and where you are. I really appreciate your thoughtful comment.
I am a recovering hardliner : the older I get , the more open I am to changing my mind , nowhere near as hopeful of changing people’s minds over the need to have turf grass lawns as I used to be (!) I still have a moral compass and firm convictions ; I just now know that they are not meant to be shared so freely
I also must say that I enjoyed reading about your Bruce Springsteen song earworm !! I have a head full of songs on shuffle , and can definitely relate
I'm with you on wishing we could reduce the size and number of manicured lawns, Melody. Touched on that idea here, in fact (https://elizabethbeggins.substack.com/p/make-a-wish), in one of the earliest essays I posted here.
What has helped me temper my zeal over the years is the awareness of how much I don't know. I suppose I could call it humility.
Thank you for being someone who can relate to these thoughts (including my stuck Boss track!). I'm glad you're here.
I suppose any changes I may have had have been political. From growing up in a conservative household to then become more left leaning and Green.
Any likely friendships are most likely through commonalities at my age as there are things I refuse to negotiate on. I will allow no one to be judged for their race, religion or sexuality - I've had to back away from former friends who believe such things are even appropriate. I wish in my 70's I was more tolerant of those who aren't tolerant but there you go.
And quantum physics is an interesting point. There appears to be a very strong link between buddhist beliefs and quantum physics. Who'd have thought? I'm still trying to get my head across anything to do with physics, let alone quantum physics but really want to digest and understand.
It seems it’s a good idea to start with our commonalities. I like the idea of finding out about the backstory. We’re all where we are for a reason. Thanks, Elizabeth.
Thank you, Suzanne. I realize all of this is easier "said" than done. But I maintain that even the act of acknowledging that another person lights up your day, no matter how briefly, that any simple showing of respect, can help bridge the divides between us. Today, I saw a woman wearing the brightest blue fuzzy slippers. I missed the chance to tell her how they caught my eye. I wish I hadn't.
Appreciate your presence here, as always.
There was nothing like being a teacher to teach me the truth of what you explain so well here. To be effective in my work, I had to presume good intent. I didn't start out that way, and I had plenty of colleagues who believed terrible things about some students and reinforced my initial beliefs, but I came to know this: "Everyone longs to be heard. Everyone wants to be respected." I'll add: Everyone cares. They might not care about what you care about, but also: what they care about might not be what you think it is. That's why it's so important to do what you say here: Start from a place of curiosity. "Tell me more..." are such powerful words. I sure wish we'd stop thinking (especially in political realms) that changing one's mind is a sign of weakness. To me, it's a sign that someone is learning and growing and evolving.
Oh, Rita, yes. Everyone cares. Thank you for adding that! What we care about is what we value, and it's there we are most likely to find our common ground. I love the simple opener you offer: "Tell me more." I also like "I hear you, and..."
I'm sure you could tell some rich stories from your days as a teacher and librarian. Wow!
Thanks so much for the comment.
Beautifully structured essay, in the spirit of EB White and Epictetus. Well done. My turning point was reading How Minds Change. Facts don’t change minds, but asking questions about how someone got to the opinion that they hold so dear - and doing this from the viewpoint of genuine curiosity - might encourage enough self-reflection to rock someone gently off the sandbar they’ve run aground on. A curiosity mindset might be humanity’s next penicillin. I’ve used too many metaphors here, but thanks for helping spread the word. Like the way the milkweed sends its tiny… oh, sorry. I’ll stop.
Thank you, Stewart. I'll look for McRaney's book (not finding it on my library apps, unfortunately), and I'm also likely to read Theise's book: Notes on Complexity: A Scientific Theory of Connection, Consciousness, and Being. Recently, I listed to this On Being episode which excites the non-profit, farmer-focused collaborator in me to no end. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/janine-benyus-and-azita-ardakani-walton-on-natures/id150892556?i=1000658081068 We have so much to learn, and so much untapped potential when it comes to building relationships.
For what it's worth, I loved your metaphors. There's a solid chance we share use of them in common!
Appreciate your comment very much.
Excellent article.
Thank you, Monica. Grateful you're here.
This articulates beautifully so much of what I've been feeling lately. I wonder about it more and more, as divisiveness seems only to be increasing. I fully believe that separateness is an illusion, and am trying to learn to stay open, and notice more when I'm not. What you say about finding shared values is so important. Anyway, I'm grateful for this piece. Thanks for writing it.
In my experience, there is almost always some small piece of common ground, but this is not a typical approach and, therefore, can be difficult to maintain. As you say, divisiveness seems to be increasing, making it that much harder to hold nuanced discussions. It takes courage and patience. I appreciate that you see the value in these ideas, Rob, and thanks for taking the time to comment.
“A point of view is not a whole person”—thank you for writing and sharing this essay.
Thank you, Bethany, for reading and commenting. I'm glad you're here.
Elizabeth, I loved this piece as well as your reading. I’m one of those weird lifelong learners who loves listening to people younger and older than I am. I think your organization leading the reader through your learning is so well-done.
If lifelong learning is weird, I don't want to be normal! I so appreciate your reflections and am delighted to know that the path of the piece worked for you. I am sometimes unsure if my meanderings leave people wondering where they took the wrong turn! Thanks for being here, for reading, listening, and commenting. Welcome to Chicken Scratch!
Happy to be here ;)
Brilliant, Elizabeth. I love everything about this piece.
I have these two truths that live inside me that I think this essay speaks to. One, I want to be someone who understands from every fiber of my being the truth that you painted so beautifully— a point of view is not a whole person. Two, I find myself wanting desperately to change minds when I come up against points of view that I don’t think really represent the holders’ truth and that I see harming others. I know the latter part is an immature part of me, one that thinks I know better and is immature because of how fruitless standing on that belief truly is. Thank you for speaking to the importance of connection and nuance.
For me, there is a constant, and I think natural, tension between wanting to understand and wanting to be understood. It's hard when empathy is met with disdain, or when, as you note, beliefs lead to actions that hurt others. I just have to keep coming back to what I want to see replicated in the world. I'm far from a perfect example, but I keep trying. That's really all we can do, right? Thank you, Holly, for being part of the community here, and where you are. I really appreciate your thoughtful comment.
I am a recovering hardliner : the older I get , the more open I am to changing my mind , nowhere near as hopeful of changing people’s minds over the need to have turf grass lawns as I used to be (!) I still have a moral compass and firm convictions ; I just now know that they are not meant to be shared so freely
I also must say that I enjoyed reading about your Bruce Springsteen song earworm !! I have a head full of songs on shuffle , and can definitely relate
I'm with you on wishing we could reduce the size and number of manicured lawns, Melody. Touched on that idea here, in fact (https://elizabethbeggins.substack.com/p/make-a-wish), in one of the earliest essays I posted here.
What has helped me temper my zeal over the years is the awareness of how much I don't know. I suppose I could call it humility.
Thank you for being someone who can relate to these thoughts (including my stuck Boss track!). I'm glad you're here.
I suppose any changes I may have had have been political. From growing up in a conservative household to then become more left leaning and Green.
Any likely friendships are most likely through commonalities at my age as there are things I refuse to negotiate on. I will allow no one to be judged for their race, religion or sexuality - I've had to back away from former friends who believe such things are even appropriate. I wish in my 70's I was more tolerant of those who aren't tolerant but there you go.
And quantum physics is an interesting point. There appears to be a very strong link between buddhist beliefs and quantum physics. Who'd have thought? I'm still trying to get my head across anything to do with physics, let alone quantum physics but really want to digest and understand.