You reminded me of something I haven’t thought about for years.
When I was a high school senior, we enjoyed a weekend getaway at a camp near a lake. The guest speaker was a university president who gave a presentation about presentations.
First he asked for a volunteer who enjoyed chocolate cake and my ever starving friend Sam volunteered. The speaker removed a chocolate cake hidden in the podium, handed Sam a saucer and a fork, cut a slice of the cake, removed it and placed it in the palm of his hand, and then squeezed it through his fingers onto Sam’s plate.
Sam was later rewarded with a less digital slice, but the speaker made his point. You can have an excellent, even necessary message, but if you botch the presentation, you’ve lost your audience.
These days, I find a lot of political writing botches the presentation badly. “If you vote for x, you are an idiot, moron, criminal, anti this or that good thing, or just a horrible person.” Not very subtle or persuasive; in fact, just the opposite.
An appropriate story to add here, Switter, thanks. And I am very relieved to know that Sam got his cake and was also able to eat it! (Why am I now thinking about Samwise Gamgee?)
Many years ago, I did a deep dive into the art of persuasion and what it takes to change someone's mind. The short answer: It can't be done. Only when a person is predisposed to making a shift will a change of opinion occur. Sure, any of us could plant or water a seed, but, to your point, I'm pretty sure, once lambasted, any seeds previously sown will shrivel and die.
This is a wonderful meditation on being open to change, on looking beyond our convictions to see what story someone else carries, and, of course, on the powers of charisma.
I think this gets at the heart of the "bubble": "When I align myself with one set of opinions, one collection of ideas, one like-minded group thinking like-minded thoughts, I no longer need to ask questions or challenge assumptions. We’re all already on the same page."
It is comfortable in the bubble, but it can also mask reality, mask the fact that not everyone is with you. As you note, it can make us complacent, make us feel we don't need to take those steps to review, question, and continue to talk to others. But, again, it is comfortable -- until you wake up one morning in disbelief and realize the bubble was really just that. This isn't really what your post today is about, but that paragraph struck me. Sometimes, here at Substack even, I feel like it's a bubble (but maybe my algorithm is just lucky).
You are always beautifully advocating hope: "It means being willing to show up in the in-between long enough to meet another person there."
Thanks, Amy. This is one of the biggest problems with social media. I feel my hackles go up every time the "cookies monster" wants to optimize my online experience by tailoring what it allow me to see. How about we just ditch the algorithms and let people experience reality? When we walk out into the world, we aren't given the option for whose paths we cross or what billboard we see. It's all driven by the desire to capitalize on us as products rather than people. And here I go with another strong opinion! Suffice to say, I do not think you're wrong about the Substack bubble.
I really appreciate your closing comment and am so pleased that comes through. I certainly feel it, but when prickly topics find their way to my Stack, I worry that folks aren't keen on doing that kind of thinking. Good to know you're on board.
Exactly what I was thinking. Lets ditch the algorithms and let people experience 'REAL' reality. I think it just might bring back imagination. There is lack of imagination in today's world. Nobody comes up with anything original much. It's remake stuff. I miss imagination in this world.
Loretta, I think there is a lot to be said for showing the way, as Amy is doing here. Maybe if enough of us blaze our own trails others will see how much fun we're having and come along? A girl can dream, right?
I wish I had the need/desire to mix with those who have alternate opinions, but I'm really not sure I do.
Let me explain. For three years, I was part of a very intensive campaign to disallow farmed salmon pens on our beautiful coastline. Water that belongs to the people of our state, where unique species of seaweeds and creatures exist. We were already aware of the ecological damage caused by ocean salmon farming overseas. It was not what we wanted on our prisitine coast.
We worked hard, we spoke to politicians and people daily. We were continually vilified and trolled by the companies who wanted to farm. It was exhausting and yet we managed to organise a flotilla of 3000 boats on the Derwent River and pulled up next to our waterside Parliament House.
We were ignored. The fish farms continue in a powerful self-regulatory position.
Why would I want to socialise with or be a part of a group of self-interested money makers when we have global evidence of what their interest does? It's burned me completely. I care so much about our environment and the heritage for my grandson, so I can't tolerate the slash and burn motives of business.
This also applies to other situations that I'm passionate about. So much so, that whilst I may state my case amongst v. close friends, I'll no longer waste the time to mix with those of other views. I'll read their views online, disagree in my head but I won't mix with them in real life. I don't want to be sad and uncomfortable with the time I have left.
I get it, Prue, and I'm sorry you gave so much of yourself without getting the results you'd hoped for. It's demoralizing.
As for mixing with those of alternate opinion, I don't think it's our nature to step into discomfort and controversy like that. It would take someone with a particularly strong spine to do that willingly on a regular basis. Fighting corporations is definitely a David and Goliath situation (though I know there are those who do it). But, when it comes to our interpersonal communications, I still think we can make a point to look for understanding rather than judgement. Not tooting any horns here, but by way of example I'll share that I make a conscious choice to seek at least some sources of balanced reporting (eg: both of our major, two-party political views) through which I learn what the "other side" is thinking. I've subscribed, intentionally, to writers whose ideologies seem different from my own. I haven't made a point of blocking friends on Facebook with whom I disagree, nor of engaging in arguments when their posts get my hackles up. It's not much, but it's something.
We all have our methods for sharing kindness. I know you do that in your own ways, and that's what matters most.
Thanks for being willing to offer your perspective. I really appreciate it.
Excellent essay, Elizabeth. You are a damn good writer, for the very reasons you stated; confident, assertive, interesting, simple, clear and relatable. 🙏💚
Aww, Don, thanks. What a great comment! I might be blushing a little. Grateful to get that feedback from someone like you who models that so well himself.
I agree that #itscomplicated! I grew up in a bipartisan household, with a bipartisan extended family, which is to say that I grew up hearing diverse perspectives and with a model of people loving each other despite holding different views on all manner of issues. What made all of that work, I think, is that everyone had similar core wants for us as a country and society. They just had different ideas about how to achieve them. They all believed in democracy, fairness, acceptance of difference, and equality, so much so that those things were a given. I think there's too much evidence that such is no longer the case for too many of us. I accept the idea that two people can hold different, valid truths--but some "truths" actually aren't true at all. I believe in engaging in an exchange of ideas when another person and I are having the same conversation, working toward the same general ends, but if the other person is trying to establish an authoritarian government by undermining democracy and they are working toward that on the basis of disinformation, that's a whole other ball of wax. Too often, we aren't having the same conversation or playing the same game. Having said all that, I will acknowledge that a car trip across our country last year shifted my perspective and understanding of those who have embraced a path I find abhorrent and just plain wrong. I understand why they have lost a kind of faith I'm still able to have because life is so different for me, where I live. I don't know if we need to replace criticism with curiosity so much as empathy. Probably, ideally, both. Appreciate the opportunity to wrestle a bit with these ideas.
Lucky you, having that example as part of your family story, Rita. I'd say some of my family and I are like that now, but it wasn't exactly modeled. I never took much interest in politics, nor do I remember many conversations about it at the dinner table. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention.
I know what you mean about the challenge of meeting someone halfway when you're starting off as polar opposites. And, of course, any real interchange requires that both people are willing to try. That said, I think there are ways to look for commonalities that don't require us to parse each others' politics. We can learn to home in on values rather than issues. And we can learn to bow out before resorting to name calling. As you discovered, there is a lot of hardship out there driving a lot of desperation. I'm not likely to be empathetic if I never slow down long enough to wonder what might be going on beneath the surface of the rage. That's where curiosity comes in. Wrestle is the right word, and it's very complicated. And that, I think, is the whole point. There are no easy answers, and there certainly are no simple stories. Grateful for the opportunity to explore with you, Rita. Thanks!
Thanks for bringing this up in such a wonderful "Elizabethan" way. It's advocacy versus inquiry. Seems like we are taught to hold and defend arguments, and not taught so much how to wonder, ask questions and probe. "Opinions are tough! Questions are for sissies!" Something like that. But think about it - the world (and social media, as you note) loves opinions, even baseless ones. To adapt Twain's (I think?) famous quote: A outrageous opinion makes its way around the world before a good question has put on its shoes. I think the other dynamic in play is that divisiveness, "othering" and fear 1) grab attention and 2) rake in cash.
What can we create together that's better than this? (is a good question).
I love your last question, Stewart! Though I know many would use it as a springboard for defending their personal beliefs all over again, I think that is something we can ask ourselves when we are tempted to offer rebuttals and counter attacks. Sometimes, the bravest responses is no response, or the one that looks for alignment. I've also been known to channel Mary Poppins' "You know best..." ☂️. Thanks so much for weighing in here!
Ahh, Loretta...thank you. Not sure I'd use the same adjective to describe myself, but I can say that I have, for some time, been consistently interested in looking for ways to bring people together rather than pushing them apart. Glad to know you're here with me.
Oh, such a great post, Elizabeth. My parents have reminded me over the years many times that 'it's not what you say, but the way that you say it'. For them (and me!) it was in the context of being kind to people, but indeed it's valid for any message that's delivered, in whatever circumstances. Such a thought-provoking read, as all of yours are. Fantastic. x
Your parents were, and are, wise souls. So many times I have found myself sideways in a conversation with someone, mostly those closest to me, because (they explained) of my *tone*. Like it or not, tone often betrays what we actually feel, even if our words attempt to convey otherwise. So grateful to have you along for the journey here. It means a great deal!
You reminded me of something I haven’t thought about for years.
When I was a high school senior, we enjoyed a weekend getaway at a camp near a lake. The guest speaker was a university president who gave a presentation about presentations.
First he asked for a volunteer who enjoyed chocolate cake and my ever starving friend Sam volunteered. The speaker removed a chocolate cake hidden in the podium, handed Sam a saucer and a fork, cut a slice of the cake, removed it and placed it in the palm of his hand, and then squeezed it through his fingers onto Sam’s plate.
Sam was later rewarded with a less digital slice, but the speaker made his point. You can have an excellent, even necessary message, but if you botch the presentation, you’ve lost your audience.
These days, I find a lot of political writing botches the presentation badly. “If you vote for x, you are an idiot, moron, criminal, anti this or that good thing, or just a horrible person.” Not very subtle or persuasive; in fact, just the opposite.
An appropriate story to add here, Switter, thanks. And I am very relieved to know that Sam got his cake and was also able to eat it! (Why am I now thinking about Samwise Gamgee?)
Many years ago, I did a deep dive into the art of persuasion and what it takes to change someone's mind. The short answer: It can't be done. Only when a person is predisposed to making a shift will a change of opinion occur. Sure, any of us could plant or water a seed, but, to your point, I'm pretty sure, once lambasted, any seeds previously sown will shrivel and die.
This is a wonderful meditation on being open to change, on looking beyond our convictions to see what story someone else carries, and, of course, on the powers of charisma.
I think this gets at the heart of the "bubble": "When I align myself with one set of opinions, one collection of ideas, one like-minded group thinking like-minded thoughts, I no longer need to ask questions or challenge assumptions. We’re all already on the same page."
It is comfortable in the bubble, but it can also mask reality, mask the fact that not everyone is with you. As you note, it can make us complacent, make us feel we don't need to take those steps to review, question, and continue to talk to others. But, again, it is comfortable -- until you wake up one morning in disbelief and realize the bubble was really just that. This isn't really what your post today is about, but that paragraph struck me. Sometimes, here at Substack even, I feel like it's a bubble (but maybe my algorithm is just lucky).
You are always beautifully advocating hope: "It means being willing to show up in the in-between long enough to meet another person there."
Thanks, Amy. This is one of the biggest problems with social media. I feel my hackles go up every time the "cookies monster" wants to optimize my online experience by tailoring what it allow me to see. How about we just ditch the algorithms and let people experience reality? When we walk out into the world, we aren't given the option for whose paths we cross or what billboard we see. It's all driven by the desire to capitalize on us as products rather than people. And here I go with another strong opinion! Suffice to say, I do not think you're wrong about the Substack bubble.
I really appreciate your closing comment and am so pleased that comes through. I certainly feel it, but when prickly topics find their way to my Stack, I worry that folks aren't keen on doing that kind of thinking. Good to know you're on board.
Exactly what I was thinking. Lets ditch the algorithms and let people experience 'REAL' reality. I think it just might bring back imagination. There is lack of imagination in today's world. Nobody comes up with anything original much. It's remake stuff. I miss imagination in this world.
The bubble=speaking to the choir.
Loretta, I think there is a lot to be said for showing the way, as Amy is doing here. Maybe if enough of us blaze our own trails others will see how much fun we're having and come along? A girl can dream, right?
I wish I had the need/desire to mix with those who have alternate opinions, but I'm really not sure I do.
Let me explain. For three years, I was part of a very intensive campaign to disallow farmed salmon pens on our beautiful coastline. Water that belongs to the people of our state, where unique species of seaweeds and creatures exist. We were already aware of the ecological damage caused by ocean salmon farming overseas. It was not what we wanted on our prisitine coast.
We worked hard, we spoke to politicians and people daily. We were continually vilified and trolled by the companies who wanted to farm. It was exhausting and yet we managed to organise a flotilla of 3000 boats on the Derwent River and pulled up next to our waterside Parliament House.
We were ignored. The fish farms continue in a powerful self-regulatory position.
Why would I want to socialise with or be a part of a group of self-interested money makers when we have global evidence of what their interest does? It's burned me completely. I care so much about our environment and the heritage for my grandson, so I can't tolerate the slash and burn motives of business.
This also applies to other situations that I'm passionate about. So much so, that whilst I may state my case amongst v. close friends, I'll no longer waste the time to mix with those of other views. I'll read their views online, disagree in my head but I won't mix with them in real life. I don't want to be sad and uncomfortable with the time I have left.
But I understand your POV.
I get it, Prue, and I'm sorry you gave so much of yourself without getting the results you'd hoped for. It's demoralizing.
As for mixing with those of alternate opinion, I don't think it's our nature to step into discomfort and controversy like that. It would take someone with a particularly strong spine to do that willingly on a regular basis. Fighting corporations is definitely a David and Goliath situation (though I know there are those who do it). But, when it comes to our interpersonal communications, I still think we can make a point to look for understanding rather than judgement. Not tooting any horns here, but by way of example I'll share that I make a conscious choice to seek at least some sources of balanced reporting (eg: both of our major, two-party political views) through which I learn what the "other side" is thinking. I've subscribed, intentionally, to writers whose ideologies seem different from my own. I haven't made a point of blocking friends on Facebook with whom I disagree, nor of engaging in arguments when their posts get my hackles up. It's not much, but it's something.
We all have our methods for sharing kindness. I know you do that in your own ways, and that's what matters most.
Thanks for being willing to offer your perspective. I really appreciate it.
You are such a benevolent teacher, EB.
Excellent essay, Elizabeth. You are a damn good writer, for the very reasons you stated; confident, assertive, interesting, simple, clear and relatable. 🙏💚
Aww, Don, thanks. What a great comment! I might be blushing a little. Grateful to get that feedback from someone like you who models that so well himself.
I agree that #itscomplicated! I grew up in a bipartisan household, with a bipartisan extended family, which is to say that I grew up hearing diverse perspectives and with a model of people loving each other despite holding different views on all manner of issues. What made all of that work, I think, is that everyone had similar core wants for us as a country and society. They just had different ideas about how to achieve them. They all believed in democracy, fairness, acceptance of difference, and equality, so much so that those things were a given. I think there's too much evidence that such is no longer the case for too many of us. I accept the idea that two people can hold different, valid truths--but some "truths" actually aren't true at all. I believe in engaging in an exchange of ideas when another person and I are having the same conversation, working toward the same general ends, but if the other person is trying to establish an authoritarian government by undermining democracy and they are working toward that on the basis of disinformation, that's a whole other ball of wax. Too often, we aren't having the same conversation or playing the same game. Having said all that, I will acknowledge that a car trip across our country last year shifted my perspective and understanding of those who have embraced a path I find abhorrent and just plain wrong. I understand why they have lost a kind of faith I'm still able to have because life is so different for me, where I live. I don't know if we need to replace criticism with curiosity so much as empathy. Probably, ideally, both. Appreciate the opportunity to wrestle a bit with these ideas.
Lucky you, having that example as part of your family story, Rita. I'd say some of my family and I are like that now, but it wasn't exactly modeled. I never took much interest in politics, nor do I remember many conversations about it at the dinner table. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention.
I know what you mean about the challenge of meeting someone halfway when you're starting off as polar opposites. And, of course, any real interchange requires that both people are willing to try. That said, I think there are ways to look for commonalities that don't require us to parse each others' politics. We can learn to home in on values rather than issues. And we can learn to bow out before resorting to name calling. As you discovered, there is a lot of hardship out there driving a lot of desperation. I'm not likely to be empathetic if I never slow down long enough to wonder what might be going on beneath the surface of the rage. That's where curiosity comes in. Wrestle is the right word, and it's very complicated. And that, I think, is the whole point. There are no easy answers, and there certainly are no simple stories. Grateful for the opportunity to explore with you, Rita. Thanks!
Perfect.
Thank you, Loretta. It’s good to know there are folks everywhere thinking along similar lines.
Thanks for bringing this up in such a wonderful "Elizabethan" way. It's advocacy versus inquiry. Seems like we are taught to hold and defend arguments, and not taught so much how to wonder, ask questions and probe. "Opinions are tough! Questions are for sissies!" Something like that. But think about it - the world (and social media, as you note) loves opinions, even baseless ones. To adapt Twain's (I think?) famous quote: A outrageous opinion makes its way around the world before a good question has put on its shoes. I think the other dynamic in play is that divisiveness, "othering" and fear 1) grab attention and 2) rake in cash.
What can we create together that's better than this? (is a good question).
I love your last question, Stewart! Though I know many would use it as a springboard for defending their personal beliefs all over again, I think that is something we can ask ourselves when we are tempted to offer rebuttals and counter attacks. Sometimes, the bravest responses is no response, or the one that looks for alignment. I've also been known to channel Mary Poppins' "You know best..." ☂️. Thanks so much for weighing in here!
You are a brilliant lady. Thank you for this.
Ahh, Loretta...thank you. Not sure I'd use the same adjective to describe myself, but I can say that I have, for some time, been consistently interested in looking for ways to bring people together rather than pushing them apart. Glad to know you're here with me.
Oh, such a great post, Elizabeth. My parents have reminded me over the years many times that 'it's not what you say, but the way that you say it'. For them (and me!) it was in the context of being kind to people, but indeed it's valid for any message that's delivered, in whatever circumstances. Such a thought-provoking read, as all of yours are. Fantastic. x
Your parents were, and are, wise souls. So many times I have found myself sideways in a conversation with someone, mostly those closest to me, because (they explained) of my *tone*. Like it or not, tone often betrays what we actually feel, even if our words attempt to convey otherwise. So grateful to have you along for the journey here. It means a great deal!
😘 They’re so wise, and so lovely, both of them. I’m so lucky to be theirs. xxx