Facing the music

Part 2: I give you my word

“I’m so disappointed in you.”

“You are such a good listener.”

“Lazy, that’s what you are. La-zy!”

“If I was a pioneer going west, I’d want you at the reins of my wagon.”

“You are the most negative person I’ve ever met.”

“I feel fortunate to have you in my life.”

Like lasers, each comment was aimed at me. Some came from people for whom I care deeply, and who, likewise, care for me. Some came from acquaintances. It’s been years now, but the upbeat lines still bring a delightful boost, a sense of being seen and appreciated. The details aren’t vivid, but the memories are refreshing.

Conversely, I remember the exact circumstances under which each of the negative comments occurred. I can picture where I was, whether it was day or night, what precipitated the fallout, and how my heart ached for days afterward. I recall feeling horribly misunderstood, grief-stricken even, at the realization that these people thought so poorly of me. While my instinct was to defend myself and set the record straight, my heart of hearts struggled with the possibility that they might actually be right, regardless of how preposterous my mind told me they were. Long afterward, I continued to rehash the scenes in my mind, trying to come to terms with how I’d made such a mess of things. The sting remains.

Still, I’m fortunate. The cumulative influence of positive interactions across my lifetime diminishes the negative ones. Time has delivered gifts of understanding. While the troublesome conversations still call up unpleasant feelings, I can interpret the incidents more objectively today and tease out some take-aways that have enduring value.

An unmistakable lesson is the extraordinary power of language. A month of Sundays ago, I immersed myself in the study of communications. Now, among other things, I’m a writer. Most importantly, I am a big-brained mammal who was born with the capacity to both discharge and absorb words - to speak, to write, to read. Lucky me!

People who’ve mastered Latin, or other “undead” languages, may command a bigger and better vocabulary than I. But what I lack in erudition I make up in enthusiasm. (See part one of this two-part series.) My favorite social media accounts are devoted to wordplay and linguistic idiosyncrasies. I have to resist the daily urge to share their content, knowing that a lot of you are more interested in, say, crypto insurance and air fryers.

Whether our attentions are focused on them or not, none of us escapes the impact of words, and we know from experience they can be as damaging as sticks and stones in their own way. The adage is a lie. Words can really hurt us! Because our brains respond similarly to physical and emotional pain signals, the mental anguish that comes from a verbal ambush is similar to what we might experience from a physical attack. Even something as simple as seeing the word “no” for less than a second can trigger stress-related physiological responses.

Words can be weapons. Hopefully, as we grow older and wiser, we learn how to ditch our downer associates, moderate our reactions to certain members of the family, and seek couples therapy to shift unhealthy partner conversations. That ought to take care of that, right?

Not so fast, my friends. The words we read also need consideration. If you’re under the impression that the world is hurling toward Hades in whatever-the-heck a handbasket is, you are not alone. But, you also might be wrong, or at least not entirely right. Your ideas may be stemming from words planted by your news sources rather than from reality itself.

Research indicates that headlines have grown increasingly gloomy across the past two decades or more, with adverse effects. In the Guardian, Steve Pinker reports that, “Consumers of negative news, not surprisingly, become glum: a recent literature review cited ‘misperception of risk, anxiety, lower mood levels, learned helplessness, contempt and hostility towards others…’” In other words, our news might be making us angry, and blue. We don’t necessarily need to forsake it, but it is a good idea to regulate consumption, to actively seek positive or neutral reporting, and to counter the weight of global events with mood-boosting physical or social activities. (Want to dive deeper? In “Breaking News” I do just that.)

All righty. Now we’re really getting somewhere. People around us? Check. World news? Check. It’s Miller time!

Nope. Cool your jets. We may be better prepared to handle what’s coming at us, but we’ve still got some carry-on baggage to lift. It’s time, now, to look at the conversations we’re having with ourselves. How’s that inner critic treating you these days? Can you do anything right? Are you really that stupid?

As with the forms of verbal maltreatment discussed above, derogatory self-talk can undermine your best intentions, like swallowing a daily dram of weak poison. It might not kill you, but you’ll feel pretty terrible afterwards.  Moreover, because everything in life relates to everything else, while we’re busy beating ourselves up, we’re also creating a high-powered feedback loop. Unfavorable views of ourselves warp our perceptions of reality, engendering mistrust. When we doubt that others have our best interests at heart, we expect negative outcomes from our relationships. Anticipating the worst, we tend to act and think in ways that bring about conflict, which then validates the notion that the world is a terrible place. And, the beat goes on.

Research and tools abound to help us revise the stories we tell ourselves, but my favorite is to consider whether I would ever treat a friend the way I sometimes treat myself. I would never! Even when working through a disagreement, I choose words carefully, trying to thread the needle between honesty and sensitivity. Learning to give myself the same courtesy I would give a friend has been a game-changer for me.

I know I’m on the verge of going on too long. If your attention hasn’t already wandered off to an incoming text, an upcoming meeting or a needy pet, then bless your heart. I will leave you to consider these final thoughts:

The remarks you choose to share with others, or those you direct inward at yourself are among your most influential resources. With them, you have the ability to improve the outcome of a moment, or a day, to shape the contours of a life. Collectively, we hold the power to change the world! In the precious, fleeting moments when your mind generates ideas, your tongue forms speech, your fingers craft letters, you are a conductor. These conduits to connection and belonging are your responsibility. You determine the timing. You influence the flow. You control the force with which the music leaves the instruments. Which song will you play and with what intention?

In the human experience, hostility and judgement appear in equal measure with kindness and compassion. We live and die regardless of what we allow to accompany us or at which frequency. But, if our heart’s desire is harmony, then it is our imperative to attune ourselves to peace in our communications. We can only make such decisions for ourselves and our efforts will be imperfect. Still, there is hope in trying. I will. I give you my word.

~Elizabeth