I crossed the border into a new, personal decade. It happened without a lot of fanfare. A cadre of family and friends waved and shouted from the outpost as I sped past. There were no authorities to question my purpose, ask how long I planned to stay or check my papers. I’m still finding my way around, noticing the distinctions between where I once was and where I am now. And, because important birthdays deserve iconic cake, I’m going to tell you how to make the best cake you’ll eat this year.
But first, the thinky bits.
I’ve been musing over how I acknowledged these milestones in the past. I can’t remember anything specific about turning 20 or 30, but I know exactly where I was when I hit 40 and 50. More interesting than my whereabouts on those occasions is what I was thinking at the time. I have journal entries and computer files (increasingly limited the farther back I go) that offer windows into my state of mind. A few are politically oriented, some relational. Many have to do with parenting, farming, or the often-clumsy dance of doing both simultaneously.
I return with some frequency to feelings of insecurity and frustration. Soon after I launched into my 30th orbit, I wrote of my struggle to distinguish wants from needs. I searched for a sense of security even as I held firm to the desire to live a less conventional life. “Is it possible to live somewhere between poverty and snobbery? Is there space in there for a couple to live basically but to still have a few of life’s amenities and luxuries?”
Not to diminish concerns that were real and heavy in the moment, but rereading those words, I was struck by my lack of appreciation for how much was going well at the time. The melodrama! We were far from impoverished. We had family and friends, a place to live, jobs, food, fun and, most importantly, each other. At first glance, I might say that gratitude was the only thing in short supply.
It’s unhealthy, though, to expect an appreciative outlook to keep difficult feelings at bay. Fear, sadness, anger – all the negative emotions that come pre-installed in our highly evolved brains – are worthy of recognition and as purposeful as our more pleasant emotions. If we disallow ourselves the opportunity to experience, process and respond to our darker sentiments, we risk having them bore into us like cavities that eat away at the sound enamel of our more contented selves. Our souls ache, making us perpetually irritable.
Put more simply, sometimes folks need to feel what they need to feel. Ignoring the dog’s calling card on the rug doesn’t make the mess disappear. Asking yourself to be grateful for what’s good won’t eliminate what’s supremely crappy. If someone doesn’t have bread, telling them to eat cake is ignorant, insensitive, or both. And, they’re liable to take your head off.
As my friend, Julie, likes to remind me, many recurrent, painful emotions are messages from an inner child who wants to be comforted, noticed, and reassured. They are cries from the parts of us that are angered when we can’t have what we want, that fear being lost, that are saddened by things that don’t make sense. Our role is to recognize them for what they are and learn to accept them without judgement. Only then, after we’ve invested the time needed to reassure the scared, cranky kid inside, can we step toward gratitude.
Notice the movement? As with children, we gain maturity the more we meet ourselves with steady instruction and patient but consistent counsel. Yes, dear, I know you’re afraid. These are frightening times. Let’s talk about that fear. Let’s sit with the ire. Let’s hold ourselves long enough to get beyond the immediate response, the flailing, the overwhelm, long enough to feel our racing heart come back to its rhythm, until we can see the gems that get us up off the floor. That is true gratitude.
This decade, day by day, feeling by feeling, I’m serving myself - and others - a feast of acknowledgement. My hope is that in so doing, life will become that much sweeter.
Recipe: Blueberry, Lemon, Zucchini Cake: the best cake you’ll eat this year, because you’ve earned it. It has a delicious secret that makes it amazing.
~Elizabeth
